so a couple of things - ive realized that because writing is so therapeutic for me, this blog is going to be vital to my mental health as i enter this new chapter of life. i've moved back home to live with my parents while i'm working my first actual job (not the giant party that was my position as a contract deployment engineer for TEKsystems) and i'm frightened to death of repeating the misery that occurred the last time i moved home for an extended period. no matter how much i change my room around, attempt new hobbies, do adult things, i always fall back so quickly into my high school self. and i don't want to get too much into this because i've decided to actually be active enough on this blog that it will be a productive way to break me out of acting like a child when i'm home. and the fact that, since i've returned from not posting in 5 years, i've posted two pieces centered almost entirely around stupid men hasn't sat right with me. i want to write about things that actually matter sometimes. so while i figure out how i can actually help myself with this blog, i've decided to use the daily message i get on my Co-Star app as prompts for blog posts. (and no, i dont and will never believe in horoscopes but Haley has told me some good things about how the app pushes her to think about things more and i'm taking a page out of her book here) in another attempt to be more adult, i've decided to actually incorporate some sort of formatting in my blog posts... while i won't promise to reread and edit these, i am promising to at least break apart topics. you're welcome, me! because i'm the only one reading these back!

SO, the prompt today is "there are no rules but the ones you make with each other". i first read that this morning and immediately jumped to the revelation of how different i act with different people. with my high school friends i find i act so differently than i do my college friends. on an individual level, i act differently with different high school friends. with guys i find im curbing my actual personality and attempting to fit myself into what they would want of me. i find i'm overly nice to strangers, to the point where my sister acts why i speak the way i do to service workers. a very recent example of all of this came up when i saw Megan on Thursday. we found ourselves talking about another friend we have in a way i never expected to talk about that friend. we were gossiping like we used to in high school. in a "let's vent about things we dislike about this person way". and walking (er, driving) away from that whole night, one thing i took away most heavily was the distaste that whole segment of our conversation left in my mouth. not that i'm mad we had it or mad at her for leaving that door open for me to act like that. i think i was genuinely surprised that i still had that in me. talking behind someone's back like that felt so strange to me. to make things clear, it's not like i never talk behind anyone's back ever - but in this instance there was no inciting event, important topic to clear the air regarding, no need to come to a conclusion regarding someone's actions. what we talked about on Friday was a classic gossip moment in which we would never ever say what we said about that person to their face. just because it would seemingly display an immovable blockage in what was previously deemed a smooth friendship. this person we were talking about is someone i cherish so much. someone who has brought so much love and light into my life for so many years. who changed my life when i really needed it changed. someone who i can always count on to have my best interest at heart. for those and the many more reasons by which i love this person, i felt icky when i realized that i was a 23 year old woman talking poorly about them. what we talked about was nothing i could end the friendship over at all, it was something that we both found presents some challenges when we really don't need them. that's it. something that we really should bring up? but that "should" is actually very passive because there is a way on our end to minimize the effect that this one aspect of the person's personality has on us. and in that way, it is on us to figure out how we can compartmentalize one small thing for the benefit of the overall friendship.

i could get deeper into this, but i'm using it (i think) to get to my point which is - the different sides of myself that i share with different people constitutes these unspoken "rules" mentioned in the topic for today. what i would talk about with one person is not what i would talk about with another person. the way i carry myself and joke around with one group of people is not how i would joke around with another group. and this isn't a bad thing. in fact, i am sure that everybody is like this. maybe some to a larger extent than others, but there is no way that anyone has a one note personality that they play in every scenario. i think it's healthier to do this, as i would definitely be way more in tune with myself if i had a singular personality from which to learn about myself. however, because everyone is different and every friendship is different and experiences/memories are completely different, the notion that the rules we make with each other differing across the board is logical. there's nothing wrong with presenting different sides of yourself to different people, as long as the very core is constant.

i went through a period in my life during which i pretended to be someone i wasn't. i tried to turn into this "girl-boss" figure and attempted to mirror someone i greatly admired in the academic/professional space. after a while, i realized i wasn't her, i was me. i was never going to be able to convince others, let alone myself, that this ultra-confident, pitch perfect, beautiful, commanding, consistently assertive personality was something innate. so for a long time after that i tried to find myself - who i actually was. and to be honest i haven't found it yet. but i'm comfortable in the sides of myself. i'm comfortable in these different personalities i show to different friends because i know that, really, they're not that different. they stem from experiences i've had with each group or individual and how they shape that particular friendship. i think the biggest teller for me to move into the next stage of my life (career certainty, a relationship?, my own space, etc.) will be the certainty i'm looking for in myself. but for now, i'm comfortably playing by the rules i've made with the people around me. there are no rules to live by other than those. even society's standards, the law, and best practices are only your rules if you choose to let them be. it is important, however, to understand that if you don't accept those rules there are consequences - being outcasted, being arrested, being unsuccessful. so some rules are necessary for a certain life. but other rules, like the ones we follow when in situations with the people we love, are dynamic, moldable, exciting in their uncertainty. there are no rules but the ones you make with each other - and therefore you are in control of your own interactions.

i'm excited that the topic on the app today didn't spark any confusion. i knew exactly how i felt about the rules i play by in different arenas. i know that in the future this won't necessarily be the case. but i'm optimistic! sorry this one is so long!