i think what happened at the University of California Santa Barbara on Friday, May 23 needed to happen. and in no way, shape, or form am i saying that i approve of what Rodgers did or am i encouraging others to do the same thing. i am merely happy that the topic is open for discussion, because before Friday i had no idea the topic even existed. however, instead of jumping straight into the topic of feminism/his motivations/men's rights, i just want to lightly cover in this blog post what i believe the root of the problem might be. before i jump in, let me reference a personal experience of mine. currently i am dealing with a teacher that hates me. no matter if they hate or love me, any kid at my school will inform anyone that i am a model student. and in no way am i trying to brag or make myself seem perfect. ever since about March, my physics teacher has expressed this insane hatred of me that i can't seem to find any reason for. she is not joking and she is not trying to draw the best out in me (in fact, i excel in her class). for now i am trying to ignore it and just go about my own life for the next two weeks until school gets out. however, every day an episode of hatred occurs towards me, i dive deeper and deeper into questioning myself and how i live my life. am i offending her? am i a bad person? am i making her feel any less of a teacher? am i disrespecting her authority? am i doing anything that i need to change to better me as a person? to this day i cannot fathom an answer to any of these questions and the situation is making me depressed and depressed and depressed.essentially, i can't find an answer for why my physics teacher resents me and i now believe that she is in the fault. anyone who has read Elliot Rodgers' 140 page document might notice that he thought women resented him. he believed that women are "evil" and deserve to hold no rights of their own, especially regarding sexual rights. at one point he even argued that women should have no say in who to have sex with. at a young age, Rodgers writes that he was jealous and envious of the boys in his grade who had sex and how he hated girls because they would not have sex with him. and i don't want to get too far deep into this but basically he believed women were in the wrong for not wanting to sleep with him. and all this boils down to, in my mind, what is an unfair hatred of women. and while my analogy is far from the extent Rodgers' beliefs are, i think the root of the problem for those who think like Elliot did is hatred. just as my teacher hates me, women hate Rodgers. now let's stop and rewind, as i think about it more and more i have come to the conclusion that while my physics teacher may not take particularly to the way i carry myself or interact with those around me, other teachers do. and that is the knowledge i think Rodgers lacked. the knowledge that while the women he knew seemed to resent him sexually, some woman he hadn't met yet does not. Nancy who just moved to Santa Barbara from Arizona might have walked into class on Monday and taken an interest to Elliot. just because throughout his small episode of existence no woman had been attracted to him doesn't mean that every woman on the face of the planet exhibited this feeling. i think that instead of using his hatred of women to fuel his anger, Rodgers' should have used it as fuel to find the woman who would love him. instead of attacking those who didn't, finding the ones that did would have brought him the satisfaction he desired. women don't hate him, just particular women did. teachers don't hate me, just my physics teacher does. i almost wish i had known him, so that i could relate to him this knowledge before his broken mind committed the tragedy that occurred at UCSB. additionally, just has he resented the boys who could easily have sex with women, i resent the students in my classes that the teachers love. but instead of blaming those boys or those students, Rodgers' and i needed and need to focus on the women or teachers that will pick us over those that had been more desirable. i may not find that teacher for a while, and Elliot Rodgers might not have found that girl for a while, but once i do and Rodgers could have, the reward is great. whether Rodgers exhibited any sort of mental illness or not, he suffered from the disease of hatred that consumes even the healthiest of us. when i read his accounts of jealously towards those who his friends spent more time with or paid more attention to, i cannot help but relate. i shed a tear once or twice when i realized that Elliot Rodgers expressed many fears that i also fall victim to. i hope, like i did, people who also relate to some of his stories can realize that the way he reacted was wrong, and that channeling jealously and hatred and other qualities that relate into a search for the better is the best way to react. i hope that people can see a distant future in which life is better and happier and everything that once was feared has been overcome. i hope people can come to a conclusion that no matter how many gun laws or mental illness checks we can administer, the real solution to problems like these will come from an in-depth realization of the human mind and the things that affect it.
as i finish this entry i am listening to this and boy do i feel whole.
much love, Heather