I didn't post yesterday because I hung out with my wifey then spent the rest of my day doing homework. Oh, the joyous life of a teenager. Today has been okay. I always dread my even days (we have block schedule at my school) because I get to go through all my hard classes. Yeeeeah, so I always wake up feeling like shit and it usually never goes away unless I have a fun day in Spanish. Today was one of those days where I felt like shit all day. I was taking a geometry test and all I could think about was my future. What classes I'm going to take next year, and the year after, and what the hell I'm going to do with my life the year after that. It freaking sucks to sit there and realize that you better figure out your life soon... There's also something that's been on my mind that I hate. This guy is causing me problems. I don't think I've ever talked about him before on this blog but I need to because there is really nobody else I can get to help me. I am not into him as a boyfriend at all, but it seems like he is into me as more than a friend. This is like the typical teen drama, but for me, this has never happened before. He hugs me every time he sees me, and compliments me on my appearance even when I'm sitting there in a T-shirt and leggings. I have a feeling that he might ask me out soon and I hate saying no. I've had to do it before a couple times and it just feels horrible. I've been thinking that maybe I should say yes because it is not probable that my actual crush will be asking me out anytime soon, but I don't want to go out with someone that I don't really like in that way. But we will save this topic for another day. The topic I really wanted to vent about was my stupid mouth. I tend to not think about things before I say them, and usually it just either gets me some crazy looks or awkward laughs but sometimes I think I genuinely offend people with what I don't necessarily mean. For example, today the guy who sits next to me in Spanish said something really stupid and being the crappy person I am, I responded by calling him "such an idiot." As soon as the words came out I instantly regretted them. And that is what happens a lot. I seriously felt like I hurt his feelings because he didn't talk to me for a while and ended up sitting on the other side of the classroom when we did our classwork. In a way I am confused because he is a jerk to me all the time, and then the one time I say something jokingly, it seems like he took it to heart. This isn't even the worst thing I've ever said accidentally, and when I do say stupid things I want to melt into the ground and take it back. Maybe I say things because I want people to feel what it is like to be on the other side of the insults, even if they are joking insults. Maybe I just need to make an outburst to let out some feelings inside. Or maybe I'm just an idiot who wants to be less soft. The latter is probably what it is. I know that when my name is mentioned in a conversation, most people usually think of me as a quiet, innocent girl who can take insulting jokes and brush them off. People jump to the conclusion that I am too nice or quiet and sometimes I'm sick of it. I've been letting a few swear words slip lately in conversations with people that I usually don't swear around and I've been getting the shocked reaction way too many times for my liking. Having said that, when I try to be meaner and tougher I end up feeling horrible afterward and wish that I can take it back. That, and whenever I say something that could be taken offensively, even the meanest of people seem to take it to heart. Maybe this just goes to show that one shouldn't judge another based off of their outer shell. Again, having said that, people need to know what it's like so sit there and get insulted all day every day even by the nicest of people sometimes. People need to take a second and realize that they need to change and stop being dicks all the time to people that might just throw themselves off a cliff after the next insult they get. Just throwing that out there. I'm confused as to whether or not I should get tougher and make myself seem more important, or keep being that nice person that people sometimes need. Overall I need to just keep my mouth shut and think about what I say before it comes out. It's a work in progress.
More later.