hi hi! the title of this post is just the name of a song i was singing before sitting down to write this. no other reason. anyway, it's funny when i think back to my decision to start writing based on what a horoscope app tells me for the day when i really don't believe in horoscopes or am able, for some reason, to stick to any promises i make myself. and i think that will be my topic for the day. i cannot seem to break out of patterns that i have by myself. whenever i've broken out of a bad habit in the past, it's always been because of an external factor. living with roommates in the past, going to school every day, having a job for which i had to be on site for 10 hours a day, and having deadlines for things to do are all aspects of life that i've had in the past that forbade me from nestling into a horrible routine. however. now, with this remote job, living at home in my high school room, leaving my college friends that i was so used to spending all my time with, leaving the most physically demanding job i've ever had for a desk job (of which the desk sits right next to my ever-tempting bed), and having no one to keep me committed to a healthy daily routine has made me crumble. i lack sufficient motivation to wake up at the same time every morning, have a good morning routine, eat breakfast, change into professional clothes (for no reason other than to feel more motivated and professional), eat lunch at a decent time, stay attentive and interested in my work for long hours, and go to bed at a decent hour. that list of things contains some things that are definitely optional, or - would be optional, if i was able to follow through on all of the others. for example, going to bed late shouldn't matter too much if i am able to get a good morning routine going. i used to go to bed at 3:00am every night and wake up at 7:00am for class and do the whole thing over again with no problem. but with everything else that i'm not going, lacking in one part of my daily routine is snowballing into an overall nonexistent daily routine. last week, i started to eat breakfast around 9 or 10 (a couple hours after i start work) but that only lasted a couple days before i got too lazy to even make my way downstairs to get a granola bar. that is straight up the saddest thing i've ever said. i'm not sure how to kickstart something here, but i know i can't go on to lead a healthy and professional adult life like this. it's embarrassing to be acting like a highschooler that got transported into a 23 year old with a job and responsibilities. and, honestly, i would blame it on my environment but that's no excuse for the many friends that i have doing the same thing i am and living seemingly healthier lives than i do. i mean i've never been the best with eating and having a skin-care routine and going to bed at a decent hour... but i definitely never was as lazy as i am now or as tempted to stay up late doing nothing than i am now. i'm hoping this post will kick me into gear in some way. i mean i've had days during which i get up and get work done and make an effort to look good (to the point at which i take a good amount of time to straighten my hair the night before for no reason) and clean and organize my room. but those never last longer than a day or two days tops. i've found that i'm better with that stuff when i have plans after work but i need to be able to do that stuff just for me. i need to feel comfortable enough in myself and who i am to act like an adult who at least kind-of knows what she's doing. not to always be talking about boys again but i saw an instagram post today from a guy i'm still hung up on and verbally exclaimed "FUCK" when i saw it. i was annoyed because he's still super attractive and because it didn't work out between us. and as i sit here writing this i'm understanding that something i think is missing from every "situationship" (a word i remembered was relevant after krista used it) i have is that i still don't know what i'm doing in my own life. i'm not sure who i am or what i'm doing or what my values are or what my expectations are or how i feel about how i'm doing on my own. before i can start doing grown-up things again (like date or get back into my hobbies or really focus on my career, etc.), i need to get to know me. and i think some of those adult things can help me get to know who i am, but i can't be sporadic with those things as much as i'm used to. i need to focus on one hobby instead of pretending i have the time to play piano, paint, read, and do yoga all the time. i need to focus on understanding what i want in a relationship instead of jumping into everything that comes my way that is even remotely interesting to me. i need to work on exceling at the job i have before wondering about my future in the job. i know these things. i really do. it's putting them into practice that's the tough part. i guess how i'm going to close this out is to promise myself that i'll work on one aspect of my nonexistent routine and from there i'll be on an upward trajectory. right? (: