hello hello, kinda been doing a lot better recently. getting into a better routine with eating and working and everything. my room is clean more often that it's not. it's definitely a positive thing but because of some mental stuff i'm dealing with, i still find it a bit difficult to feel completely proud of any progress i'm making. but as i'm typing this i'm upset and apprehensive about striving for progress. i have so much life to live - so the idea that i'm "progressing" towards a potential peak in life is just unrealistic. there will always be room for improvement, and, thus, the best we can do is be happy with where we are and choose to accept the areas of ourselves we don't love while keeping the need for progress in the forefront. but today i don't want to talk about achieving happiness in a progressively upsetting world... i want to discuss a part of myself that i know is a bit overdramatic but exists anyway. that part of myself is the part that wants me to step away from certain friendships. i'm a fairly independent person, in that, i am as happy in hanging out with friends as i am watching law and order in my room. in fact, after an evening out on the town the other night and being slightly upset at some of the characters i interacted with, i'm starting to accept myself as an introverted, homebody. at this point, after a year or two of pretending i can be the type of girl that goes out every night and get a little tipsy and meet guys and have a ton of fun, i'm realizing that the whole "going out" scene only works for me if i'm around my college friends. or, at least, guys that i feel safe around. even going out with my coworkers at my old job felt normal and fun because i never felt worried for my safety or uncomfortable because of the need to talk to guys i don't know. i like being with people i already feel comfortable with and being with people i know will stay with me and talk to me and keep the same energy we have when not at a bar. and i wish i could be excited to act like a normal girl my age but it's just something that brings me regret and unhappiness after. it's not the drinking part - it's the social part. but i'm thinking most of this feeling in me is coming from my long to be with my college friends again. god, i miss them so much. i'm trying not to be too needy but i really need them. and the whole reason for me writing this blog post is to put into words how appreciative i am of my college friends for loving and respecting me for who i am. that group is so kind to me in a way that i've never had a friend be that kind to me before. it's something i always have to hold back from saying to them because i know it's dramatic and over-sharing in nature to convey how much i truly and deeply love those people all the time. but after hanging out with people that i don't really think love me for who i am, i've become even more worried about carrying those people as my closest friends still. it's little things that they want to change or don't respect in me that makes me sad to be around them. for a while now i've been underwhelmed at the respect, or lack thereof, that i often see when hanging out with these friends. it's subtle, and i don't think it's intentional on their part, but it's there and it's upsetting. it's to the point where, post-hang out, i'm not happy. i'm feeling a little unwanted and a little less confident in myself. i'm not mad at them or feeling a need to cut these people out entirely, but it's always in the back of my mind and i can't imagine my mental health being in a great place if these are the people that i choose to be around during my minimal time not alone. i definitely do have a ton of fun and feel definitely loved by these people, but the little things that are pointed out or made fun of or made to not feel appreciative of are starting to really get to me. i feel like i'm not loved for actually who i am but for the best parts of me. and when a part that isn't great or isn't up to their standards is made apparent, there's an attempt on their end to get rid of it or make me feel bad about it. whereas, with other friends i have, i always feel that i'm loved WITH those aspects. i'm loved because i'm not perfect. they don't love the types of things in me that they want in a friend but they love every and all things - despite their idea of a perfect person. there's never a push to be a perfect 23 year old girl, there's an appreciation for my uniqueness and a recognition that the parts of us that make us different make us worth being friends with. and i'm not saying that my college friends love everything about me and think my flaws are the best parts of me - because i know they're not, but there's something to be said for friends that cherish the parts of you that you don't necessarily love and can empathize with parts of you that are part of your less attractive character. as opposed to friends that continuously attach that less attractive character for what it is. i'm making a conscious decision now to keep these friends at a certain distance and to know what i'm getting myself into when i hang out with them. i appreciate their friendship but i also know what better friendship is and i'm choosing to lift that up above anything that is detrimental to my mental health.