HEY THERE. i think i've tried to post on here some times since may but i haven't had time and have forgotten to save my drafts. so here i am, six months since i've vented. and maybe you would think that it's because my life has been getting so happy that there's nothing for me to write about. well you're wrong wrong wrong wrong. my life sucks. i actually h.a.t.e. high school. that's not even some joke or just something to throw around lightly because i don't like waking up early. it's not a casual phrase that everyone uses in middle school when they don't realize that those three years will be the last years before their lives get terrible. i even thought i hated last year. but sophomore year has been the worst year i've ever had. and i can go on more about this in a later post that i will probably make at the end of the year, but for now i just wanted you to know that i am not by any means okay. anywho, i wanted to blog today about something i've struggled through for a while and that is, saying stupid things and having other people that are less familiar with me hear them. like today in p.e. we watched a video about how this girl committed suicide and when we came out i said to one of my friends that it "doesn't even make me sad anymore." i could not have chosen worse words. then girls started glaring at me and i instantly regretted my entire life values. i know that i didn't mean to say what it sounded like i was saying but they don't know that. it just makes me cringe that now some girls think that i am the worst person in the world. and i shouldn't care what other people think but it just gets to me. when you're surrounded with teenage girls with opinions it's hard to be carefree. there has been this girl who apparently, according to one of my friends, thinks that i think i "am so cool" and that bugs me for three reasons; 1) she doesn't know me, 2) do other people think that? and 3) is that something i need to change? it is actually the worst feeling every knowing that someone doesn't like you, i don't understand how celebrities do it. i'm not trying to make everyone like me at all, i merely just hate knowing that someone doesn't like me and hearing her exact words. it is now making me super self-conscious, and we all know that i don't think before i speak, so now after i say something i'm always judging myself on what others around me are overhearing. how does what i'm saying make me seem? why did i say that? i should have said that better. and nowadays girls are always eavesdropping on everybody else's conversations and it's been extremely unnerving to me ever since i found out what that girl thinks of me. i know that i have friends and i know that not everyone is going to like me and my only problem is knowing what she thinks which makes me wonder if others think it too. there's so much that can go wrong with one phrase and so much that can go wrong with one person overhearing that phrase. in high school there's not much one can do right, so for now i am just trying to think about what i am going to say before i say it. psh, let's see how that goes.
More Later.