so i'm going to need to write this quick because im at the airport currently waiting for my flight from dallas to san diego to board. the reason why i have to squeeze this in is because i already WROTE this entire blog post and it was so so long omg so long when I wrote it in Austin and then i went to publish the post and it said the network timed out so i lost the ENTIRE thing can you believe it. but anyway i'm thinking that, in a way, the fact that it lost my entire blog post is a good thing because i kind of went on a little ramble that could definitely be cut down and i'm expecting to do that here. first off, i know this blog post is like 5 years on from when i last published something. wow. i took a look at this blog once i remembered i had one after seeing a couple of friends of mine create their own, prettier, more helpful, more planned out, and overall better blog. i saw that i have been writing on this thing for upwards of ten years at this point and that is absolutely wild to me. to think that little thirteen year old Heather thought her thoughts were important enough to send off into the internet for the entire world to see is hilariously amazing and the fact that no one has ever read this blog but me is even better. it means that, in a way, this blog is more a source of internal therapy than anything else. and as i move forward with my life (i have my first job out of college), i am finding that i need therapy more than ever. a lot has happened in the last year or so. and i'm not going to get into everything because a lot of it is pretty deep and upsetting and the rest of it is pretty obvious given the year I am typing this, so for the sake of my own mental health (not wanting to relive everything) i am going to just cut to where i am now and go from there. maybe if i need to bring things back up from the past and re-experience them (or just actually experience them this time) i will. but for now let's just start with the here and now. i made a decision to write this post today after something ridiculous happened to me last night that i needed to talk through in order to understand and hopefully learn from. so this week i met and instantly fell in love with a dude i would never have been able to date. crazy. this happens to me a lot - i fall head over heels for a guy way too fast. and normally it's just an internal thing that i deal with when necessary and then i move on. and while, thankfully, i've definitely kind of moved on from what i experienced this week, what happened happened to such a wild extent that i think i actually need to take some action. basically what happened was i met this guy on wednesday at the Austin Tx fulfillment center for a brief moment. thought he was cute and nice. later on when the small group i have is at the bar he shows up with the rest of the CDE crew. he sits directly in front of me and the whole night we're glancing at each other and having really short side conversations that meant very little to both of us (im assuming for him here, sorry Jake). anyway, the next day i'm spending more time with him at the site, he's teaching us important stuff and i get to be right along side of him for a good portion of it. he remembers just my name. he helps me check the top of the pods for quality because i can't bring the pod down. all of that is standard stuff that any good person would do and, in fact, any person with his job would do. but the whole time i can feel myself getting attracted to him. he's in my league as far as looks (meaning he's not by any means a 9 or a 10 but i have weird taste in men so he fits my standards!), he's very smart, very funny, very intelligent, accommodating, sweet to me. that night he joins just the small group of us for dinner and then we go to the same bar again and we play Mal (ugh i hate and love that card game). he's sitting right next to me and we're, again, exchanging glances and at one point i even did what i wasn't supposed to do - i helped him. i move my hand under the table so just he could see, to show him that it is his turn. i thought i was being subtle. but i wasnt - Joe sees me do this and peers over the table so i spend the next ten minutes pretending to stretch my arm out in an attempt to downplay what i just did. Jake asks me about my hair and pays most of his attention to me. i feel myself the whole night physically moving towards him and pulling away. crossing my legs in his direction, touching my hair a lot, moving my hands and fingers a lot. when we're leaving the bar he waits for me to get up, he helps me push my chair in, and when we're all waiting outside the bar for our friend he asks me and colby if we are in relationships. we both say no and he says that that's a good thing and proceeds to tell some quick stories about various dating escapades he's had (including one that's still going on) when we're walking away he's talking to me and remembering where im from. then he quickly says goodbye and i'm never going to see him again. when i get off the elevator to go into my hotel, i audibly berate myself for acting so stupid. the "subtle" hand wave i'd done earlier in the night is symbolic, in a way, for the entire night. i think i was trying to flirt in a not obvious way but that also meant that i was flirting in a very obvious way. the way i was laughing at everything was just a tad bit over the top from me always laughing at everything and the way i was fidgeting was a tad bit over the top from the way i always fidgit. i didn't pay any attention to anyone else. only him. that's stupid. i shouldn't be only paying attention and vying for the approval of a guy i'm never going to see again! and despite all the things he did that gave me the feeling he was slowly feeling the same way, he definitely was not being overt enough to show me that he really was into me. and why would he be. for the same reason i shouldn't be into him. i mean the way he was acting - kind, funny, inviting - is definitely better than him flat out ignoring me. rejection flat out would've crushed me way more than the way i crushed myself last night. so nothing bad to say about him. but i think i've realized after not being able to sleep last night thinking about him and thinking about how stupid i am for not being able to think about him  that i have some serious love issues. i just mean here that i have so so so much love to give to someone romantically. i would love to have someone to love. and i'm not trying to beg the universe for a boyfriend and nor do i think that i'll never find love (i like to focus on the now), i'm merely constantly looking for avenues on which to send my love. and i push myself to offer it in situations that i shouldn't. i've always been fast and naive with the love i offer to the guys i've found attractive and appealing. but what happened to me last night was beyond that. i was completely enveloped in my magnetic  attraction towards him and i wasn't able to think about anything else. and it was completely illogical - something i always pride myself on not being. i now realize that i need to work on understanding when and where is the right time for me to not so subtly throw myself at a guy. and i definitely didn't throw myself at this guy in a conventional way, i threw myself at him in a me way. in that i thought i was being subtle and low-key but i wasn't. i don't have a lot of time left before i want to publish this but i do want to also mention that i'm happy and proud of myself for knowing that i deserve love and going for it. but i think last night showed me that i'm still that 16 year old girl obsessed with one guy for too long, in that im unable to understand what the right moment is for me to flirt. it seems ridiculous to be typing this now since i no longer feel that strange, unbounded attraction towards this guy but in the moment and after the moment last night i was completely overcome with an emotion i didn't know how to deal with. i can't even categorize this emotion right now. it was confusion at myself, attraction to someone else, sadness at the situation, and mad at myself. i definitely need actual therapy to work on my security within myself. i want to feel secure in myself, someday, that whenever i find myself feeling this way about i guy i will never have, i have the wherewithal to take myself out of the situation. to actually move away from him when i should've (and not acted like i didn't realize i should move), to pay attention and speak with people other than him, to focus on what i'm actually out with those people for, to take control of that emotion, to understand that i can be myself with that person and still interact with others. if it's going to happen it's going to happen. if not, then not. i think i'll always have a fond memory of this guy and hope it could be more than a two day flirtationship. but my idea of being better is to (one day go to therapy and actually emotionally tackle this) be more secure and confident in myself. i still have a lot to learn. and i'm proud of myself for the things i have learned. i just hope the next time i fall in love too fast i can catch it before there's no coming back..... let's hope this one saves!