i post really sporadically (is that the word from clueless?) and at this point i don't really care anymore. but so much has happened that i need to mark a milestone before it's too late. so i graduated last thursday, june 16th, 2016. it still doesn't feel real. every summer before i've always had the mindset that i will always see these people next year even if i don't see them over the summer. but this summer is super different because i will not see 90% of the people i've met at high school ever again. and it's sad because i have really developed an appreciation for the kinds of people i'm not necessarily close with. there are people that i've had polite, small, but altogether fun conversations with people i never hung out with outside of class and the small memories i've made with each of these types of people are valuable to me. there is no accurate way to express the way that these people have affected my life because in many ways, they haven't. but there is something to be said for the comfort of having familiar people and moments to surround yourself with while you're in high school. it's something that i think people don't realize is important until they don't have it anymore. but i've been conscious of losing this element of familiarity since the beginning of second semester and it has really hurt me sometimes to see people so anxious to get out of high school. i just have always wanted people to understand that seeing familiar faces around brings a sense of security and safety that will soon be entirely gone for many people at my high school. but it's not my job to bring this to anyone's attention. or maybe i'm just too paranoid. i definitely am over-emotional. i mean just yesterday i was blasting "see you again" by charlie puth and wiz khalifa in the car and i literally started bawling. like ugly crying while i was driving to the point where i had to pull into a parking lot. i was just so sad at the idea of not making memories in the future with the friends i have right now. every moment i've had with them has meant something special to me. there truly is no way to explain the impact that friends have on me. i need them in my life so much and i don't know what i'm gonna do without them. our experience at grad nite (which by the way was INCREDIBLE, one of the best days of my life) was so amazing, memorable, surreal, and dream-like. i have no idea that this life is real and i am living it and these are my friends and these are my memories and this is all happening to me. it doesn't feel real at all. and yet, in a few months i will be in a totally different place, with completely different people, and the scary prospect of having to make new memories with people i really don't care about. and yeah, that's how i felt at the beginning of high school, but this, for some reason, feels different. it feels like everything in my life is about to change. EVERYTHING. my personality, my friends, my family, my home, everything that is close to me. and this scares me so much. i need the type of feeling that my friends bring me. sophia, megan, tatum, megan, natallie, and andrian all make me feel differently but spectacularly. even sarah now is so special to me. it makes me sad. i feel like i need one year to appreciate all of this, all of everything i have, but instead, i have two months to make everlasting memories with the people who i don't want to lose ever but probably will.  now i'm about to cry again so i think i might just leave it here for now. i'll come back to it later because there's more i want to say but i also feel like i need to talk out what i'm feeling slowly and methodically so this is just one episode of that. i don't know how i'm gonna live without my best friends. i'm so scared.