hi hi, i'm back because there's another crisis! jk there's always a crisis in my life, whether or not i choose to see it. fortunately for me this time, the issue is as plain as the nose on my face. that's a line from the Disney classic Pinocchio! anyway so yesterday i helped my sister move out and then when i got back home i got a text from this guy that i was talking to, letting me know that he can't talk to me anymore because he has had a girlfriend the entire time we've been talking. there's obviously so much wrong with with that, and because all that stuff is apparent i'm only gonna talk about my own emotions at this time. the problem i'm facing is that i'm growing more and more cynical about the concept of relationships. i already feel so behind because i'm 23 and the only thing close to a relationship i've had involved a guy that wasn't right for me and also used me for physical pleasure. i know there's more people that are not in relationships that are, but sometimes when i look around me i see the opposite. and it scares me because i'm not sure what else i can do to make it happen for myself. it's not that i'm looking for a relationship for validation or happiness or fulfillment or anything, but when a guy does happen to come into my life it never ever ends well. and because i'm so open to the idea of being with a guy i always let them in too quickly and they always unknowingly have this emotional hold over me that makes the hurt that they cause me more painful than it otherwise should be. i'm happy that i have so much love to give and that it makes me assume the best in these guys and open up to them so quickly and have all these hopes for what could be with them but i also resent that side of myself because it leaves me vulnerable to an extended form of heartbreak. it lasts so long ... honestly i feel down about guys until the next guy pops up and i'm all-of-a-sudden more than willing to jump back in, regardless of how much i know i will get hurt later. if you've read my last post then you know how idiotic i get with these guys, especially in circumstances that are quite obviously going nowhere for me. i have these two sides of me, 1) i am so seduced by the prospect of being with a man that loves me and that i can build a fulfilling life with, and 2) i am falling deeper into this hole of fear that i will never find that. The latter makes me self-conscious because i am worried that it's something about me or how i live my life that attracts these awful guys but because it is literally me, i can't do anything about it. i can't change how i flirt or how i carry myself or how i approach going on dates because it's innate and its ever present. i shouldn't have gone on a date with this most recent guy but i did because i liked him and i was excited at the prospect of him liking me back and talking for a long time and meeting up again at some point and deciding to keep going with everything. and i know a lot of that is me living in a fantasy world but it's also how my subconscious feels about love and how it fits in with life. i can't help it and it fucks me over every time. at this point i'm not even sure if therapy would help me because (at least to me) i don't think my naivety with these relationships stems from some deep subconscious trauma or insecurity. i know it stems from me wanting a man to love me so bad that i don't think logically about anything related to that. and i've been thinking about the question of if i am just a desperate person that craves attention from men to feel validated but i honestly don't think that's it. i feel comfortable with myself and my own happiness. i have absolutely amazing friends that make me feel fulfilled all the time. i have a family that loves and supports me more than i deserve. i have a budding career that i'm excited about (oh yeah i got a new job by the way - i'm back in san diego baby!). i have hobbies i love and activities that make me happy. i don't need a man at all to fit in any piece that's not there in my life. but the SECOND i get attention in a romantic way from a man i become so open to him and his potential that i feel like i need him to come into my life and give me that missing piece. but it's not missing. it's this extra piece that comes in the bag for when you lose the real piece. and i'm not losing any of those pieces any time soon. if i'm building this amazing life without him, why am i so willing to put that piece in where it's not needed? and it's not that i'm looking for this piece. i see it out of the corner of my eye and suddenly become fixated on it. i'm fixated so deeply and for so long that it clouds my judgement and i am blinded to the beauty of these other pieces that i've fit so perfectly into my life. if you know anything about me, you know that i'm an emotional person. i can't not be emotional about things. and if emotion clouds my judgement i guess it's just something i'll have to deal with. but i can't be a shell of who i am because i don't trust men anymore. idk now i'm rambling about nothing but it's because i am battling those two sides of myself and i don't think i'll ever find that middle ground until an actual good guy comes into my life. but at this point i'm not holding out hope for that. hopefully i'll be writing about something that has nothing to do with a guy soon!