blog

still cautious

Mon, 06 Sep 2021 22:27:52 +0100

hello hello, kinda been doing a lot better recently. getting into a better routine with eating and working and everything. my room is clean more often that it's not. it's definitely a positive thing but because of some mental stuff i'm dealing with, i still find it a bit difficult to feel completely proud of any progress i'm making. but as i'm typing this i'm upset and apprehensive about striving for progress. i have so much life to live - so the idea that i'm "progressing" towards a potential peak in life is just unrealistic. there will always be room for improvement, and, thus, the best we can do is be happy with where we are and choose to accept the areas of ourselves we don't love while keeping the need for progress in the forefront. but today i don't want to talk about achieving happiness in a progressively upsetting world... i want to discuss a part of myself that i know is a bit overdramatic but exists anyway. that part of myself is the part that wants me to step away from certain friendships. i'm a fairly independent person, in that, i am as happy in hanging out with friends as i am watching law and order in my room. in fact, after an evening out on the town the other night and being slightly upset at some of the characters i interacted with, i'm starting to accept myself as an introverted, homebody. at this point, after a year or two of pretending i can be the type of girl that goes out every night and get a little tipsy and meet guys and have a ton of fun, i'm realizing that the whole "going out" scene only works for me if i'm around my college friends. or, at least, guys that i feel safe around. even going out with my coworkers at my old job felt normal and fun because i never felt worried for my safety or uncomfortable because of the need to talk to guys i don't know. i like being with people i already feel comfortable with and being with people i know will stay with me and talk to me and keep the same energy we have when not at a bar. and i wish i could be excited to act like a normal girl my age but it's just something that brings me regret and unhappiness after. it's not the drinking part - it's the social part. but i'm thinking most of this feeling in me is coming from my long to be with my college friends again. god, i miss them so much. i'm trying not to be too needy but i really need them. and the whole reason for me writing this blog post is to put into words how appreciative i am of my college friends for loving and respecting me for who i am. that group is so kind to me in a way that i've never had a friend be that kind to me before. it's something i always have to hold back from saying to them because i know it's dramatic and over-sharing in nature to convey how much i truly and deeply love those people all the time. but after hanging out with people that i don't really think love me for who i am, i've become even more worried about carrying those people as my closest friends still. it's little things that they want to change or don't respect in me that makes me sad to be around them. for a while now i've been underwhelmed at the respect, or lack thereof, that i often see when hanging out with these friends. it's subtle, and i don't think it's intentional on their part, but it's there and it's upsetting. it's to the point where, post-hang out, i'm not happy. i'm feeling a little unwanted and a little less confident in myself. i'm not mad at them or feeling a need to cut these people out entirely, but it's always in the back of my mind and i can't imagine my mental health being in a great place if these are the people that i choose to be around during my minimal time not alone. i definitely do have a ton of fun and feel definitely loved by these people, but the little things that are pointed out or made fun of or made to not feel appreciative of are starting to really get to me. i feel like i'm not loved for actually who i am but for the best parts of me. and when a part that isn't great or isn't up to their standards is made apparent, there's an attempt on their end to get rid of it or make me feel bad about it. whereas, with other friends i have, i always feel that i'm loved WITH those aspects. i'm loved because i'm not perfect. they don't love the types of things in me that they want in a friend but they love every and all things - despite their idea of a perfect person. there's never a push to be a perfect 23 year old girl, there's an appreciation for my uniqueness and a recognition that the parts of us that make us different make us worth being friends with. and i'm not saying that my college friends love everything about me and think my flaws are the best parts of me - because i know they're not, but there's something to be said for friends that cherish the parts of you that you don't necessarily love and can empathize with parts of you that are part of your less attractive character. as opposed to friends that continuously attach that less attractive character for what it is. i'm making a conscious decision now to keep these friends at a certain distance and to know what i'm getting myself into when i hang out with them. i appreciate their friendship but i also know what better friendship is and i'm choosing to lift that up above anything that is detrimental to my mental health.

feeling a little disconnected

Wed, 11 Aug 2021 04:40:30 +0100

this is the most i've written on this blog in years! not a good thing or a bad thing, just an observation i think. especially because at some point i considered this blog my therapy but recently i've been thinking that therapy is not as great as i once believed it to be. this is not a dig on the people that i know who are in therapy but, from what i've seen, there has been limited results. and i have significantly less to figure out in therapy than some other people do. and for that reason i'm reluctant to start a program that has shown me a lack of viability in helping some of the people i love most. i know that a couple of my friends who love therapy love it because they are happy to be committing something to bettering themselves. just the fact that they felt comfortable enough to go to therapy and make a positive change in their life is enough to boost their mental health. however, i see some real problems not being fixed and i'm the type of person that needs to have confidence in an outcome in order to pursue a path. it's a problem i have because this way of thinking limits me, in a way, from committing myself to things for the joy of the journey and not for the satisfaction of a positive ending. but i've been thinking, generally, about the way i think recently after a conversation i had with two friends that showed me how different i think than some of the people around me. i think i'm a logical thinker, in that i do not form opinions based off of my emotions or how i want something to be. these friends i have are so certain in thinking about life in a specific way (they push the idea of spirits and energy and extra terrestrial forces being real) and i just completely disagree with that. i'm singling out these two friends of mine, specifically, because of the lack of knowledge they have about what they're saying. i do have a couple other really close friends of mine that are into crystals and energy and things, but those people are, in my view, way more logically minded. they know, deep down, that these things they participate in are beneficial for their mental health and are not necessarily indicative of and entire worldview that they are certain to be fact. i was having a really hard time, in the conversation i was referencing, even attempting to get my point across or present an alternative viewpoint because there was a fundamental disagreement in what types of things are real and what aren't. i need there to be definitive proof of something or at least solid enough evidence of a potential of proof to show me that something is real. that that thing is worth investing time, money, and emotional security in. i think it's dangerous to put any type of faith (religious, spiritual, mental health leaning, etc.) in something that isn't really there. and i think it's even more dangerous to discount any push-back on that worldview. it's the exact way i feel about religion - if, on a personal level, religion brings some sort of calmness and security to your life, it doesn't hurt to believe. but if that religion consumes the way you feel about every interaction you have or every direction your life takes, you're digging yourself into a type of belief system that fogs a persistence of logic and practicality in your life. and life is a practical thing. it exists here and now and needs people to take control of their own actions and their own mindsets in order to play out at least semi-positively. it's impossible to have an understanding of the world and the universe if a person doesn't accurately understand how their own personal life functions. and, like i said, this isn't a knock on anyone who believes in spirits or "feelings" when in a certain place, but to believe in a sort of energy that controls a world beyond our comprehension is not practical and takes away from how things actually work. a person who stands in a specific spot at a historic site and feels a "presence" of something that happened there or the person it happened to is ignoring the fact that their mind is powerful enough to imagine some horrors that could happen and is potentially influencing an emotion or projection of this power internally. and the latter explanation of what some deem as a "spirit" is actually scientifically provable. our brains are extremely powerful and we tap into things daily, hour by hour, second by second, millisecond by millisecond that we aren't even aware of. to feel the wind blow in your direction during a meditation is not proof of an interdimensional spirit and isn't even an inclination of proof. i won't get too much into it, but if these spirits exist why are they not doing more to protect us? why do they only affect certain people? why wouldn't they make themselves visible? why are only a fraction of dead people coming back as spirits? and i know there are arguments against these and i have arguments against those arguments. but people that are so focused on this way of thinking don't have the capacity to even respond appropriately to my arguments. and that's why i feel a little disconnected. it makes me internally furious that science and math and physics mean nothing to so many people when, the undisputable fact is that, our universe and our world and our lives only exist because of those things that are innate and provable and not up for debate. i'm more than willing to change my viewpoint on any of this once some sort of proof arises. but i think i'll just have to force myself to keep my mouth shut around people who refuse to accurately tackle these things. i just refuse, similarly, to have a debate about what is and isn't there. it reminds me of that phase of my life during which i got really really into atheism and i would watch these debates between atheists and christians during which christians would refuse to accept basic facts. to put a point on this whole post, i have nothing against people who use crystals and believe in the power of spirits, but if you are using that warped worldview to influence others or misinterpret practicality, i can't have a deep conversation about anything meaningful with you. at least not right now being fresh off that conversation (:

a little tribute

Fri, 06 Aug 2021 03:00:44 +0100

i only have ten minutes to write this so i'm hoping to be brief! haha! that's funny because brevity is a word that is so far out of my vocabulary i almost forgot how to spell it. anyway! an hour ago while i was eating dinner i got a facetime call from my old site lead at my previous job. i didn't answer it because i was eating with my parents and i'm sure he was drunk. so i asked if he was okay and he told me to call him. so i finished dinner quickly and then ran upstairs and put on makeup (because i still hate myself? (: ) and jumped on my chair and called him back. i knew he was with my old crew at that job because my coworker texted me right after i missed that facetime call. when i answered i was smiling so hard! i got an amazing view of my site lead and three coworkers - two of whom i love so much until the end of time. not trying to be dramatic but these dudes were so nice to me so much of the time. that job was difficult because i was constantly surrounded by dudes in a construction environment and i constantly felt like i shouldn't be there. i was always so nervous and constantly found places to be alone while i did my work in order to minimize my presence there. but these two coworkers of mine (chris and chance) were always the sweetest to me, helped me with literally everything i did, make me feel like i belonged there, never got frustrated with me outwardly after i made mistakes, inivited me to every after-work and during-work outing we had, didn't judge me when i got wasted my last night, and still are happy to talk to me. i can't even believe that knowing these kids for such a short period of time was enough for me to feel so sad when i left. i'm so happy i met them and i feel so lucky to have been exposed to such a cool group of people. i know if i spent all day every day with them for longer than the 4 months i had that job i would probably feel different, but i really cannot say enough good things about these kids for how amazing it was to work alongside them. my site lead on the same note was just incredible. taught me so much while simultaneously handling the insane amount of work he had so admirably. i always felt like a burden on him but then consistently he would praise me to my face and to everyone else, answer the 3 million questions i had for him every day, make an effort to get to know me, wish me the best always, and overall he generally was such a great role model for me. i wish i could see him for so much longer because i genuinely think he's an incredible person. the funny thing about all of this is that i am allowed to get this emotional attached as quickly as i did to friends but as soon as this happens with a guy im romantically interested in my entire world crumbles down. just shows me that friendship is far more important than a relationship, at least at this point in my life. this post is just a small tribute to my amazing amazon robotics deployment engineering family and especially those three guys that i spent so much time with and truly made me so happy all of the time. especially in an environment that made me very nervous all the time. im writing this because i want to be able to come back to something that documents how i feel in this moment about a group of guys that i truly wish the best for and am way too emotionally attached to. maybe women are more emotional? and that's not a bad thing? phew ... that's a topic to be discussed at a later time. okay it's been ten minutes, gotta go!

sure thing

Thu, 05 Aug 2021 05:51:59 +0100

hi hi! the title of this post is just the name of a song i was singing before sitting down to write this. no other reason. anyway, it's funny when i think back to my decision to start writing based on what a horoscope app tells me for the day when i really don't believe in horoscopes or am able, for some reason, to stick to any promises i make myself. and i think that will be my topic for the day. i cannot seem to break out of patterns that i have by myself. whenever i've broken out of a bad habit in the past, it's always been because of an external factor. living with roommates in the past, going to school every day, having a job for which i had to be on site for 10 hours a day, and having deadlines for things to do are all aspects of life that i've had in the past that forbade me from nestling into a horrible routine. however. now, with this remote job, living at home in my high school room, leaving my college friends that i was so used to spending all my time with, leaving the most physically demanding job i've ever had for a desk job (of which the desk sits right next to my ever-tempting bed), and having no one to keep me committed to a healthy daily routine has made me crumble. i lack sufficient motivation to wake up at the same time every morning, have a good morning routine, eat breakfast, change into professional clothes (for no reason other than to feel more motivated and professional), eat lunch at a decent time, stay attentive and interested in my work for long hours, and go to bed at a decent hour. that list of things contains some things that are definitely optional, or - would be optional, if i was able to follow through on all of the others. for example, going to bed late shouldn't matter too much if i am able to get a good morning routine going. i used to go to bed at 3:00am every night and wake up at 7:00am for class and do the whole thing over again with no problem. but with everything else that i'm not going, lacking in one part of my daily routine is snowballing into an overall nonexistent daily routine. last week, i started to eat breakfast around 9 or 10 (a couple hours after i start work) but that only lasted a couple days before i got too lazy to even make my way downstairs to get a granola bar. that is straight up the saddest thing i've ever said. i'm not sure how to kickstart something here, but i know i can't go on to lead a healthy and professional adult life like this. it's embarrassing to be acting like a highschooler that got transported into a 23 year old with a job and responsibilities. and, honestly, i would blame it on my environment but that's no excuse for the many friends that i have doing the same thing i am and living seemingly healthier lives than i do. i mean i've never been the best with eating and having a skin-care routine and going to bed at a decent hour... but i definitely never was as lazy as i am now or as tempted to stay up late doing nothing than i am now. i'm hoping this post will kick me into gear in some way. i mean i've had days during which i get up and get work done and make an effort to look good (to the point at which i take a good amount of time to straighten my hair the night before for no reason) and clean and organize my room. but those never last longer than a day or two days tops. i've found that i'm better with that stuff when i have plans after work but i need to be able to do that stuff just for me. i need to feel comfortable enough in myself and who i am to act like an adult who at least kind-of knows what she's doing. not to always be talking about boys again but i saw an instagram post today from a guy i'm still hung up on and verbally exclaimed "FUCK" when i saw it. i was annoyed because he's still super attractive and because it didn't work out between us. and as i sit here writing this i'm understanding that something i think is missing from every "situationship" (a word i remembered was relevant after krista used it) i have is that i still don't know what i'm doing in my own life. i'm not sure who i am or what i'm doing or what my values are or what my expectations are or how i feel about how i'm doing on my own. before i can start doing grown-up things again (like date or get back into my hobbies or really focus on my career, etc.), i need to get to know me. and i think some of those adult things can help me get to know who i am, but i can't be sporadic with those things as much as i'm used to. i need to focus on one hobby instead of pretending i have the time to play piano, paint, read, and do yoga all the time. i need to focus on understanding what i want in a relationship instead of jumping into everything that comes my way that is even remotely interesting to me. i need to work on exceling at the job i have before wondering about my future in the job. i know these things. i really do. it's putting them into practice that's the tough part. i guess how i'm going to close this out is to promise myself that i'll work on one aspect of my nonexistent routine and from there i'll be on an upward trajectory. right? (:

there are no rules but the ones you make with each other

Tue, 06 Jul 2021 04:56:43 +0100

so a couple of things - ive realized that because writing is so therapeutic for me, this blog is going to be vital to my mental health as i enter this new chapter of life. i've moved back home to live with my parents while i'm working my first actual job (not the giant party that was my position as a contract deployment engineer for TEKsystems) and i'm frightened to death of repeating the misery that occurred the last time i moved home for an extended period. no matter how much i change my room around, attempt new hobbies, do adult things, i always fall back so quickly into my high school self. and i don't want to get too much into this because i've decided to actually be active enough on this blog that it will be a productive way to break me out of acting like a child when i'm home. and the fact that, since i've returned from not posting in 5 years, i've posted two pieces centered almost entirely around stupid men hasn't sat right with me. i want to write about things that actually matter sometimes. so while i figure out how i can actually help myself with this blog, i've decided to use the daily message i get on my Co-Star app as prompts for blog posts. (and no, i dont and will never believe in horoscopes but Haley has told me some good things about how the app pushes her to think about things more and i'm taking a page out of her book here) in another attempt to be more adult, i've decided to actually incorporate some sort of formatting in my blog posts... while i won't promise to reread and edit these, i am promising to at least break apart topics. you're welcome, me! because i'm the only one reading these back!

SO, the prompt today is "there are no rules but the ones you make with each other". i first read that this morning and immediately jumped to the revelation of how different i act with different people. with my high school friends i find i act so differently than i do my college friends. on an individual level, i act differently with different high school friends. with guys i find im curbing my actual personality and attempting to fit myself into what they would want of me. i find i'm overly nice to strangers, to the point where my sister acts why i speak the way i do to service workers. a very recent example of all of this came up when i saw Megan on Thursday. we found ourselves talking about another friend we have in a way i never expected to talk about that friend. we were gossiping like we used to in high school. in a "let's vent about things we dislike about this person way". and walking (er, driving) away from that whole night, one thing i took away most heavily was the distaste that whole segment of our conversation left in my mouth. not that i'm mad we had it or mad at her for leaving that door open for me to act like that. i think i was genuinely surprised that i still had that in me. talking behind someone's back like that felt so strange to me. to make things clear, it's not like i never talk behind anyone's back ever - but in this instance there was no inciting event, important topic to clear the air regarding, no need to come to a conclusion regarding someone's actions. what we talked about on Friday was a classic gossip moment in which we would never ever say what we said about that person to their face. just because it would seemingly display an immovable blockage in what was previously deemed a smooth friendship. this person we were talking about is someone i cherish so much. someone who has brought so much love and light into my life for so many years. who changed my life when i really needed it changed. someone who i can always count on to have my best interest at heart. for those and the many more reasons by which i love this person, i felt icky when i realized that i was a 23 year old woman talking poorly about them. what we talked about was nothing i could end the friendship over at all, it was something that we both found presents some challenges when we really don't need them. that's it. something that we really should bring up? but that "should" is actually very passive because there is a way on our end to minimize the effect that this one aspect of the person's personality has on us. and in that way, it is on us to figure out how we can compartmentalize one small thing for the benefit of the overall friendship.

i could get deeper into this, but i'm using it (i think) to get to my point which is - the different sides of myself that i share with different people constitutes these unspoken "rules" mentioned in the topic for today. what i would talk about with one person is not what i would talk about with another person. the way i carry myself and joke around with one group of people is not how i would joke around with another group. and this isn't a bad thing. in fact, i am sure that everybody is like this. maybe some to a larger extent than others, but there is no way that anyone has a one note personality that they play in every scenario. i think it's healthier to do this, as i would definitely be way more in tune with myself if i had a singular personality from which to learn about myself. however, because everyone is different and every friendship is different and experiences/memories are completely different, the notion that the rules we make with each other differing across the board is logical. there's nothing wrong with presenting different sides of yourself to different people, as long as the very core is constant.

i went through a period in my life during which i pretended to be someone i wasn't. i tried to turn into this "girl-boss" figure and attempted to mirror someone i greatly admired in the academic/professional space. after a while, i realized i wasn't her, i was me. i was never going to be able to convince others, let alone myself, that this ultra-confident, pitch perfect, beautiful, commanding, consistently assertive personality was something innate. so for a long time after that i tried to find myself - who i actually was. and to be honest i haven't found it yet. but i'm comfortable in the sides of myself. i'm comfortable in these different personalities i show to different friends because i know that, really, they're not that different. they stem from experiences i've had with each group or individual and how they shape that particular friendship. i think the biggest teller for me to move into the next stage of my life (career certainty, a relationship?, my own space, etc.) will be the certainty i'm looking for in myself. but for now, i'm comfortably playing by the rules i've made with the people around me. there are no rules to live by other than those. even society's standards, the law, and best practices are only your rules if you choose to let them be. it is important, however, to understand that if you don't accept those rules there are consequences - being outcasted, being arrested, being unsuccessful. so some rules are necessary for a certain life. but other rules, like the ones we follow when in situations with the people we love, are dynamic, moldable, exciting in their uncertainty. there are no rules but the ones you make with each other - and therefore you are in control of your own interactions.

i'm excited that the topic on the app today didn't spark any confusion. i knew exactly how i felt about the rules i play by in different arenas. i know that in the future this won't necessarily be the case. but i'm optimistic! sorry this one is so long!

a puzzle analogy

Sun, 04 Jul 2021 17:04:27 +0100

hi hi, i'm back because there's another crisis! jk there's always a crisis in my life, whether or not i choose to see it. fortunately for me this time, the issue is as plain as the nose on my face. that's a line from the Disney classic Pinocchio! anyway so yesterday i helped my sister move out and then when i got back home i got a text from this guy that i was talking to, letting me know that he can't talk to me anymore because he has had a girlfriend the entire time we've been talking. there's obviously so much wrong with with that, and because all that stuff is apparent i'm only gonna talk about my own emotions at this time. the problem i'm facing is that i'm growing more and more cynical about the concept of relationships. i already feel so behind because i'm 23 and the only thing close to a relationship i've had involved a guy that wasn't right for me and also used me for physical pleasure. i know there's more people that are not in relationships that are, but sometimes when i look around me i see the opposite. and it scares me because i'm not sure what else i can do to make it happen for myself. it's not that i'm looking for a relationship for validation or happiness or fulfillment or anything, but when a guy does happen to come into my life it never ever ends well. and because i'm so open to the idea of being with a guy i always let them in too quickly and they always unknowingly have this emotional hold over me that makes the hurt that they cause me more painful than it otherwise should be. i'm happy that i have so much love to give and that it makes me assume the best in these guys and open up to them so quickly and have all these hopes for what could be with them but i also resent that side of myself because it leaves me vulnerable to an extended form of heartbreak. it lasts so long ... honestly i feel down about guys until the next guy pops up and i'm all-of-a-sudden more than willing to jump back in, regardless of how much i know i will get hurt later. if you've read my last post then you know how idiotic i get with these guys, especially in circumstances that are quite obviously going nowhere for me. i have these two sides of me, 1) i am so seduced by the prospect of being with a man that loves me and that i can build a fulfilling life with, and 2) i am falling deeper into this hole of fear that i will never find that. The latter makes me self-conscious because i am worried that it's something about me or how i live my life that attracts these awful guys but because it is literally me, i can't do anything about it. i can't change how i flirt or how i carry myself or how i approach going on dates because it's innate and its ever present. i shouldn't have gone on a date with this most recent guy but i did because i liked him and i was excited at the prospect of him liking me back and talking for a long time and meeting up again at some point and deciding to keep going with everything. and i know a lot of that is me living in a fantasy world but it's also how my subconscious feels about love and how it fits in with life. i can't help it and it fucks me over every time. at this point i'm not even sure if therapy would help me because (at least to me) i don't think my naivety with these relationships stems from some deep subconscious trauma or insecurity. i know it stems from me wanting a man to love me so bad that i don't think logically about anything related to that. and i've been thinking about the question of if i am just a desperate person that craves attention from men to feel validated but i honestly don't think that's it. i feel comfortable with myself and my own happiness. i have absolutely amazing friends that make me feel fulfilled all the time. i have a family that loves and supports me more than i deserve. i have a budding career that i'm excited about (oh yeah i got a new job by the way - i'm back in san diego baby!). i have hobbies i love and activities that make me happy. i don't need a man at all to fit in any piece that's not there in my life. but the SECOND i get attention in a romantic way from a man i become so open to him and his potential that i feel like i need him to come into my life and give me that missing piece. but it's not missing. it's this extra piece that comes in the bag for when you lose the real piece. and i'm not losing any of those pieces any time soon. if i'm building this amazing life without him, why am i so willing to put that piece in where it's not needed? and it's not that i'm looking for this piece. i see it out of the corner of my eye and suddenly become fixated on it. i'm fixated so deeply and for so long that it clouds my judgement and i am blinded to the beauty of these other pieces that i've fit so perfectly into my life. if you know anything about me, you know that i'm an emotional person. i can't not be emotional about things. and if emotion clouds my judgement i guess it's just something i'll have to deal with. but i can't be a shell of who i am because i don't trust men anymore. idk now i'm rambling about nothing but it's because i am battling those two sides of myself and i don't think i'll ever find that middle ground until an actual good guy comes into my life. but at this point i'm not holding out hope for that. hopefully i'll be writing about something that has nothing to do with a guy soon!

new job and need for therapy alert

Sat, 01 May 2021 00:33:01 +0100

so i'm going to need to write this quick because im at the airport currently waiting for my flight from dallas to san diego to board. the reason why i have to squeeze this in is because i already WROTE this entire blog post and it was so so long omg so long when I wrote it in Austin and then i went to publish the post and it said the network timed out so i lost the ENTIRE thing can you believe it. but anyway i'm thinking that, in a way, the fact that it lost my entire blog post is a good thing because i kind of went on a little ramble that could definitely be cut down and i'm expecting to do that here. first off, i know this blog post is like 5 years on from when i last published something. wow. i took a look at this blog once i remembered i had one after seeing a couple of friends of mine create their own, prettier, more helpful, more planned out, and overall better blog. i saw that i have been writing on this thing for upwards of ten years at this point and that is absolutely wild to me. to think that little thirteen year old Heather thought her thoughts were important enough to send off into the internet for the entire world to see is hilariously amazing and the fact that no one has ever read this blog but me is even better. it means that, in a way, this blog is more a source of internal therapy than anything else. and as i move forward with my life (i have my first job out of college), i am finding that i need therapy more than ever. a lot has happened in the last year or so. and i'm not going to get into everything because a lot of it is pretty deep and upsetting and the rest of it is pretty obvious given the year I am typing this, so for the sake of my own mental health (not wanting to relive everything) i am going to just cut to where i am now and go from there. maybe if i need to bring things back up from the past and re-experience them (or just actually experience them this time) i will. but for now let's just start with the here and now. i made a decision to write this post today after something ridiculous happened to me last night that i needed to talk through in order to understand and hopefully learn from. so this week i met and instantly fell in love with a dude i would never have been able to date. crazy. this happens to me a lot - i fall head over heels for a guy way too fast. and normally it's just an internal thing that i deal with when necessary and then i move on. and while, thankfully, i've definitely kind of moved on from what i experienced this week, what happened happened to such a wild extent that i think i actually need to take some action. basically what happened was i met this guy on wednesday at the Austin Tx fulfillment center for a brief moment. thought he was cute and nice. later on when the small group i have is at the bar he shows up with the rest of the CDE crew. he sits directly in front of me and the whole night we're glancing at each other and having really short side conversations that meant very little to both of us (im assuming for him here, sorry Jake). anyway, the next day i'm spending more time with him at the site, he's teaching us important stuff and i get to be right along side of him for a good portion of it. he remembers just my name. he helps me check the top of the pods for quality because i can't bring the pod down. all of that is standard stuff that any good person would do and, in fact, any person with his job would do. but the whole time i can feel myself getting attracted to him. he's in my league as far as looks (meaning he's not by any means a 9 or a 10 but i have weird taste in men so he fits my standards!), he's very smart, very funny, very intelligent, accommodating, sweet to me. that night he joins just the small group of us for dinner and then we go to the same bar again and we play Mal (ugh i hate and love that card game). he's sitting right next to me and we're, again, exchanging glances and at one point i even did what i wasn't supposed to do - i helped him. i move my hand under the table so just he could see, to show him that it is his turn. i thought i was being subtle. but i wasnt - Joe sees me do this and peers over the table so i spend the next ten minutes pretending to stretch my arm out in an attempt to downplay what i just did. Jake asks me about my hair and pays most of his attention to me. i feel myself the whole night physically moving towards him and pulling away. crossing my legs in his direction, touching my hair a lot, moving my hands and fingers a lot. when we're leaving the bar he waits for me to get up, he helps me push my chair in, and when we're all waiting outside the bar for our friend he asks me and colby if we are in relationships. we both say no and he says that that's a good thing and proceeds to tell some quick stories about various dating escapades he's had (including one that's still going on) when we're walking away he's talking to me and remembering where im from. then he quickly says goodbye and i'm never going to see him again. when i get off the elevator to go into my hotel, i audibly berate myself for acting so stupid. the "subtle" hand wave i'd done earlier in the night is symbolic, in a way, for the entire night. i think i was trying to flirt in a not obvious way but that also meant that i was flirting in a very obvious way. the way i was laughing at everything was just a tad bit over the top from me always laughing at everything and the way i was fidgeting was a tad bit over the top from the way i always fidgit. i didn't pay any attention to anyone else. only him. that's stupid. i shouldn't be only paying attention and vying for the approval of a guy i'm never going to see again! and despite all the things he did that gave me the feeling he was slowly feeling the same way, he definitely was not being overt enough to show me that he really was into me. and why would he be. for the same reason i shouldn't be into him. i mean the way he was acting - kind, funny, inviting - is definitely better than him flat out ignoring me. rejection flat out would've crushed me way more than the way i crushed myself last night. so nothing bad to say about him. but i think i've realized after not being able to sleep last night thinking about him and thinking about how stupid i am for not being able to think about him that i have some serious love issues. i just mean here that i have so so so much love to give to someone romantically. i would love to have someone to love. and i'm not trying to beg the universe for a boyfriend and nor do i think that i'll never find love (i like to focus on the now), i'm merely constantly looking for avenues on which to send my love. and i push myself to offer it in situations that i shouldn't. i've always been fast and naive with the love i offer to the guys i've found attractive and appealing. but what happened to me last night was beyond that. i was completely enveloped in my magnetic attraction towards him and i wasn't able to think about anything else. and it was completely illogical - something i always pride myself on not being. i now realize that i need to work on understanding when and where is the right time for me to not so subtly throw myself at a guy. and i definitely didn't throw myself at this guy in a conventional way, i threw myself at him in a me way. in that i thought i was being subtle and low-key but i wasn't. i don't have a lot of time left before i want to publish this but i do want to also mention that i'm happy and proud of myself for knowing that i deserve love and going for it. but i think last night showed me that i'm still that 16 year old girl obsessed with one guy for too long, in that im unable to understand what the right moment is for me to flirt. it seems ridiculous to be typing this now since i no longer feel that strange, unbounded attraction towards this guy but in the moment and after the moment last night i was completely overcome with an emotion i didn't know how to deal with. i can't even categorize this emotion right now. it was confusion at myself, attraction to someone else, sadness at the situation, and mad at myself. i definitely need actual therapy to work on my security within myself. i want to feel secure in myself, someday, that whenever i find myself feeling this way about i guy i will never have, i have the wherewithal to take myself out of the situation. to actually move away from him when i should've (and not acted like i didn't realize i should move), to pay attention and speak with people other than him, to focus on what i'm actually out with those people for, to take control of that emotion, to understand that i can be myself with that person and still interact with others. if it's going to happen it's going to happen. if not, then not. i think i'll always have a fond memory of this guy and hope it could be more than a two day flirtationship. but my idea of being better is to (one day go to therapy and actually emotionally tackle this) be more secure and confident in myself. i still have a lot to learn. and i'm proud of myself for the things i have learned. i just hope the next time i fall in love too fast i can catch it before there's no coming back..... let's hope this one saves!

done with hs

Mon, 20 Jun 2016 00:16:15 +0100

i post really sporadically (is that the word from clueless?) and at this point i don't really care anymore. but so much has happened that i need to mark a milestone before it's too late. so i graduated last thursday, june 16th, 2016. it still doesn't feel real. every summer before i've always had the mindset that i will always see these people next year even if i don't see them over the summer. but this summer is super different because i will not see 90% of the people i've met at high school ever again. and it's sad because i have really developed an appreciation for the kinds of people i'm not necessarily close with. there are people that i've had polite, small, but altogether fun conversations with people i never hung out with outside of class and the small memories i've made with each of these types of people are valuable to me. there is no accurate way to express the way that these people have affected my life because in many ways, they haven't. but there is something to be said for the comfort of having familiar people and moments to surround yourself with while you're in high school. it's something that i think people don't realize is important until they don't have it anymore. but i've been conscious of losing this element of familiarity since the beginning of second semester and it has really hurt me sometimes to see people so anxious to get out of high school. i just have always wanted people to understand that seeing familiar faces around brings a sense of security and safety that will soon be entirely gone for many people at my high school. but it's not my job to bring this to anyone's attention. or maybe i'm just too paranoid. i definitely am over-emotional. i mean just yesterday i was blasting "see you again" by charlie puth and wiz khalifa in the car and i literally started bawling. like ugly crying while i was driving to the point where i had to pull into a parking lot. i was just so sad at the idea of not making memories in the future with the friends i have right now. every moment i've had with them has meant something special to me. there truly is no way to explain the impact that friends have on me. i need them in my life so much and i don't know what i'm gonna do without them. our experience at grad nite (which by the way was INCREDIBLE, one of the best days of my life) was so amazing, memorable, surreal, and dream-like. i have no idea that this life is real and i am living it and these are my friends and these are my memories and this is all happening to me. it doesn't feel real at all. and yet, in a few months i will be in a totally different place, with completely different people, and the scary prospect of having to make new memories with people i really don't care about. and yeah, that's how i felt at the beginning of high school, but this, for some reason, feels different. it feels like everything in my life is about to change. EVERYTHING. my personality, my friends, my family, my home, everything that is close to me. and this scares me so much. i need the type of feeling that my friends bring me. sophia, megan, tatum, megan, natallie, and andrian all make me feel differently but spectacularly. even sarah now is so special to me. it makes me sad. i feel like i need one year to appreciate all of this, all of everything i have, but instead, i have two months to make everlasting memories with the people who i don't want to lose ever but probably will. now i'm about to cry again so i think i might just leave it here for now. i'll come back to it later because there's more i want to say but i also feel like i need to talk out what i'm feeling slowly and methodically so this is just one episode of that. i don't know how i'm gonna live without my best friends. i'm so scared.

social media

Fri, 06 Nov 2015 06:16:15 +0100

So it's been forever, and I know and I have a lot of stuff to say that I've been planning for a while. However, something happened very recently that I just HAD to put down on some sort of platform. Just this week a youtuber/model by the name of Essena O'neill posted a video literally called "Social Media is Not Real" or was that her instagram name? Don't care and don't want to bring more attention to her by looking it up. Anyway, in the video as well as on instagram, she describes how everyone in Los Angeles are fake and that they are all miserable. She complains that social media has turned everyone into fame-whores who promote things out of their own self-interest instead of for good reasons. She says the wealthy culture of Los Angeles combines with social media to create people that express a life that is not who they truly are. I have problems with this argument everywhere. And I know I may have interpreted what she said wrong, because on a multitude of videos that refute her argument, many comments exist telling the maker of the video that they are not understanding what Essena meant to say. In any case, whether or not she was trying to argue for what I am refuting, this post is against any person who thinks the way that Essena does, in which they hold grudges against social media and the generation that uses it. First off, all of the problems Essena has with her social media are problems that she created for herself. No one asked her to take deals from brands and promote them without telling her supporters. No one asked her to edit every single picture or take 500 of the same picture in order to post the perfect one. No one asked her to only show the positive sides of her life online. No one asked her to post happy pictures even though she was feeling sad that day. This is not social media's fault because social media never forced Essena to paint a fake picture of herself online. And to be honest, the pictures she says are fake and the side of her life she posted online that she regrets is just as real as any other part of her life. An edited picture of herself is still a picture of herself, posting a picture of herself regardless of how she feels when she posts it was an action taken by her and no one else, any picture with her in it despite any of the circumstances around it is real. Essena is not a robot who takes orders from a corporate business. In addition, the argument she has against people posting happy pictures even if they feel sad is completely ridiculous. Because, for most people who have a large following on instagram or other social medias, they are getting paid. Their job is to model for companies or advertise for a brand or gain many likes. Social media is essentially a business now. Photography and self-expression is an art and social media merely elevates this art to a level that makes it easier for people around the globe to see. With this in mind, I am now going to make the point that, like a business, no one on social media takes pleasure in expressing their depression with other people. In fact, part of being professional in the real world is learning to take emotions out of things and just do your job. Because social media is a job for most instagram models like Essena, it is out of professionalism that she should not talk about how depressed she is when modelling shots are what she needs to do to make money. In the case that someone does not make money from instagram or even for those people who disagree that social media is a business, I say that supply and demand applies to social media. If people are scrolling down instagram and see a depressing post, they are not as inclined to like it if the post was positive. It's just a fact. So why would you ask your followers to follow your depression if you know the demand for sad posts is not there? Also, there are SO MANY accounts on instagram that are tailor-made to attract those people who are depressed. SO MANY accounts that have many followers and post depressing and saddening things. So no, social media is not all fake and happy because it depends on the person who owns the account. There are layers to social media just like there are to everything else in life. In fact, positivity is something everyone strives to promote, so people who do not promote positivity do not attract the same audience as someone who does. It is all about who you cater to, and sometimes you can not control that. Essena can not control that the majority of people who follow her enjoy her modelling happy photos, as evidenced by her massive following and likes. And it is her fault if she does not like posting positive things and still does it. By no means is it instagram's fault that she does not talk about sadness on instagram. In addition, I would like to refute the argument many people have that social media creates fake people who only care about their image. To this the answer is fairly simple. The new generation on social media is not fake, it is merely different. Like in the nineties when grunge rock was a new phenomenon, adults and older generations were devastated at all the anger and depression that stemmed from this genre. But people lived, the world kept turning, and grunge rock was just a genre of music that influenced its fans. Social media is just an aspect of life that encourages people to connect and express themselves online. The friendships that can be made and the freedom that can be achieved with social media is something no generation has had before. Are they afraid that we have this new form of self-expression? Are they afraid of what it will do to us? I think this new platform is a privilege beyond our imagination. Anyone can post ANY IDEA THEY WANT online. As long as nudity is not shown and terms of service are not violated. a racist person can be racist, a democrat can hate on republicans, a men's rights activist can express themselves, a fan of a music artist can express their love for the artist, a comedian can tell their jokes. YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU WANT TO BE. Social media takes freedom of speech to a new, elevated level, from which a person can scream their beliefs from the rooftops and be heard in states or countries far from their hometowns. What an opportunity! And yet adults still believe that it creates a society of Internet-obsessed people. Yeah, it creates people obsessed with what they can do online. You can edit the way you look, create amazing art, promote your talent on a wide stage, and people still think social media is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever. This makes me so angry. Next time a kid is on their phone in a restaurant, do not remark to your friend that this generation is doomed. Understand the opportunity that kid has to be heard. And yes, adults, it is possible to multitask. I can hold a conversation and scroll through instagram at the same time. I can watch youtube and so homework at the same time. I can text while I walk down a street and still take in what is around me. And this generalization you all make about this generation is hurtful. I don't like that grandparents always glare at me when I'm on my phone. I don't like when even people my own age think I'm rude for being on my phone. It is very very very very important to understand the nuanced changes in society. The way we live is changing, and has been changing ever since the first human took form. In fact, I can learn about this first human and debate about whether or not God created that human online and I don't even have to prepare a speech. Sure, it makes many things easier, but who ever asked for things to be harder. When adults complain that life is so easy now and kids are so out of it, they are forgetting the privileges they had compared to their parents and grandparents. In fact, we are all privileged that we don't have to throw our shit out of a window every time we use the restroom. We should all be thankful that nobody goes to war with swords and cannons anymore. It is a great thing that we can turn on a light in a room without burning a candle down. Why is societal progression so frowned upon? I have told myself and will remind myself forever that when I am an adult, I will never ever look down upon new phenomenons. Because it makes us feel like we are hated when we receive criticism for taking advantage of a brilliant opportunity. One of the last things I want to say is that Essena attacked those people who promote brands and companies through social media. She says it makes people fake when they pretend they paid for a dress when they didn't. I have major problems with this argument because I don't see how promotion, whether its self-promotion or promotion of someone else, is bad. Yeah, I got sent this dress for free and I'm going to post a picture with it so that the company can pay me money. It's just like normal advertising! Turn on the television and you'll see this promotion multiplied by 100. If the person does not like the brand they are promoting but do it anyway, that is their prerogative. Posting a picture featuring a brand does in no way force anyone who sees the picture to go out and buy the product. Just like how anyone can watch television and completely tune out the commercials that play constantly. If a person wants to make money through social media, they can do so in this way. Big deal. It does not ever make a person fake because they accept money to post something. Again, it is not anyone else doing this, it is their decision and their decision only. I am procrastinating homework so just one more thing. Essena, you say that you are giving up all social media. Yet, you use all this publicity to promote a new website? It's funny how all this controversy and attention towards you is happening right when you've created a new website. And, what is this? You've asked people on your website for money to pay rent? Haven't you, in fact, used social media to your own selfish advantages in this sense? I know she will never read this (I am the only one who reads this hehe) but I just wanted to get it out their that Essena Oneill is a hypocrite, a fraud, misguided, and spurring so many negative opinions that can easily be refuted. I stand by social media, through the good and the bad. And I stand by those people who Essena has met through social media who are angry that her generalization points to them being fake. In essence, the image that is painted by certain people on social media is not a representation of social media itself. I forgot how I normally end these,
Heather

i want to go back

Thu, 23 Apr 2015 01:00:48 +0100

hello let's get right into it. i went to Scotland over the summer and i can't talk about it because it makes me physically depressed to know that i do not live there. i miss my family i miss my epic cousins, i miss going zip lining with my amazing cousin and uncle i miss living in a cute little cottage mi miss watching soccer games in a place where soccer actually matters to people i miss watching the USA play in the World Cup and cheering them on like nobody's business i miss hanging out and eating good ass food with my aunt and uncle i miss the smell of their cigarettes because it just smells so comforting i miss hanging with my youngest cousin at a lake and climbing up a waterfall and running around the wilderness of Scotland and i miss shopping with that family and i miss him pulling my hair and being annoying i miss their house and the building and concrete jungle of the place across the street from their house i miss going to see Jay's school and some streets with my uncle and him i miss the small amount of time i spent in my gran's small home i miss talking with her and joking around and collectively making fun of each other and watching television and eating the charming little foods in her home i miss crying every time i left her house i miss living in my other gran's house and the warm and welcoming vibe it gives off i miss just chilling in the living room and staring outside at the trees in the dark clouds and cold weather i miss the little circle on their street with the trees and the sound of the ice-cream truck that we used to get food at when we were little i miss eating the new flavors of crisps and eating the awesome breakfast that Jordan made i miss going shopping with my aunt and uncle and chilling in costco with them and my cousin i miss hanging out with Megan and Robbie in their house and talking boys and school and friends and California and music and soccer and everything relevant i miss going to Edinburgh with my gran the first time and sitting in the bus with my family and learning all about Edinburgh and seeing the beauty of the city and the epicness of everything i miss going to the castle and taking in the beauty and amazing architecture and elements of a grand castle i miss taking epic pictures and eating in the cafeteria then taking sweets out to eat on the terrace and look over the balconies i miss sitting on the cannons and freaking my mom out i miss bonding with my gran and talking the loveliness of the city i miss eating an ice cream outside the castle and walking through the streets of Edinburgh i miss going to a festival celebrating the anniversary of Bannockburn and seeing the battle reenactment and looking at such cool booths i also miss the music at the festival and watching my parents dance around and make fools of themselves i miss jamming out and eating a "99" with my sister and sitting in the rain and waiting on the grass for food for almost an hour in the rain and i miss walking around and seeing a totem pole i miss visiting Stirling and seeing the castle and watching a parade of bagpipes and clans i miss sitting in the rain and walking in the rain and sitting on a ledge and watching the parade and waving a Scotland flag i miss going to Edinburgh the second time with my mom and my uncle and my aunt it was honestly such an amazing experience and i miss the vibes walking through the streets the whole time i miss seeing the interesting people and eating McDonald's in a beautiful little garden with my amazing family i miss chilling with Jordan and his family so freaking much i miss also hanging out with my Lynch side and eating Indian food and chilling at their house with their adorable dog and laughing so hard i miss going to Tom's house and going to hang out with those people i miss taking those pictures amongst the torture of the midgies i miss eating pizza with those attractive sons and their awesomely nice parents i miss calling my uncle John to pick us up i miss meeting John's soon-to-be wife and her son and hanging out with the family i miss meeting my great-aunt and great-uncle i miss getting Jordan's instagram and taking pictures of awesome shit i miss shopping with my gran and mom and sister in the mall and getting super cute outfits and having my amazingly nice gran pay for most things i miss the whole vibe in Stirling i miss eating breakfast with my gran's old friends in a nice restaurant i miss driving through the countryside in the rain i miss the delicious Indian Food restaurants and running to them in the rain from the car i miss going to the airport and them telling us that i can't fly home and being elated to stay i miss calling Jim to pick us up from the airport i miss chilling in their house i miss playing soccer in their yard and watching television i miss driving into the country side and into the forests i miss watching the ducks in the lake i miss going to the park in the sun and running through the fields and climbing on the park structures i miss the amazing museum of art in Glasgow and the beauty of the building i miss the little gift shop and the art and the floors i miss my gran's living room i miss the car i miss the plane i miss the monument of Rubert The Bruce i miss the gift shops in Edinburgh the castles the hills the grass i MISS EVERYTHING. i am not even going to proofread this because if i do i will probably start crying. if i need to add more i will. i want to live in Glasgow so goddamn badly just driving through the streets and interacting with everyone makes me so happy. i am never more elated than when i am with my Scottish family. this post was a follow-up to the post i made three summers ago (as of today) in which i made the same sort of list but also i almost forgot to make this post until today, ten months after the trip, when three guys in the psychology class pressured me about my Scottish history. Scotland, i miss you. family, i miss you. wish i lived over there.
currently intellectually stimulated by the Insane Clown Posse (h=they just make me think) and the Smoking Popes. check my spotify links on my home page!